narcissists are snakes

Bizarre Things a Narcissist Does in a Relationship

Health, Relationships

Am I the only one who was looking for love but ended up a shell of my old self armed with a masters degree in narcissistic personality disorders? Whether you’re currently deep in a trauma bond with your narcissist or have recently found the courage to leave them and are in the healing stages (c-PTSD anyone?) you will relate to these bizarre things a narcissistic lover will do to you during your relationship with them.

The cruel ways of a narcissist come on only after the love bombing stage has worn off. They start letting their mask slip only when they know you’ve fallen deeply in love with them. It might take three months. It might take a year (in my case).

Narcissists are strategic two-faced snakes who will stop at nothing to hurt you to feel powerful -as if this is the only way to add some sort of meaning to their pathetic lives. Once I began noticing these odd habits of my nex lover, I took to Google and came across narcissistic personality disorder. He fit every box under the Covert Narcissist spectrum.

I was astonished that this was a real thing. Narcissists are snobby know-it-all’s who love staring at their own reflection but they are still people with a heart and conscious. After a five year relationship with one, I now wonder if these people even have a soul.

1. They cause chaos before important events & holidays

Special occasions are sure to be ruined by the narcissist in your life. They hate to see you happy and can’t wait to sabotage special occasions such as holidays, birthdays and anniversaries. Forget gift giving. They will either not get you a gift at all or get you something you didn’t ask for and throw a fit when you express your dissatisfaction. A perfect example; I wanted a simple gift for Christmas one year from my narc boyfriend. It was a bottle of Poison Girl perfume. That’s the only thing I asked for.

I even gave him tips and hints on where to get it at a reduced price. On Christmas morning, he proudly gave me an unwrapped box of five assorted knockoff perfumes. He actually smirked at my confused look upon seeing the no name bottles of perfume after numerous discussions of Poison Girl perfume.

He then opened one of his gifts; an Amazon gift card, and subtly complained that he wanted a Wish gift card. He specifically asked for an Amazon gift card! This behavior was never ending no matter how clear I made my expectations or how clear he made his. Gaslight much?

2. They smear your reputation

They smear your reputation every chance they get. The smear campaign is one of many abuse tactics all varieties of narcissists use on their supplies. Triangulation at its finest. They set you up from the beginning to paint themselves as the victim and you: the perpetrator.

They know the end game of your relationship together. They expect you to eventually call them out for the lying, the cheating, and the physical & emotional abuse when you just can’t take it anymore. They’ve been through the cycles many times before already.

So, like a game of chess, they will be ready to defend themselves when the time comes that you’ve had enough. When you start coming clean about how horrible they treat you behind closed doors, you’re gonna find out that many people will be shaking their heads in astonishment because the very claims you put on them are claims already circulating about you! Yup, all along they’ve been telling people stories of how much you cheat and mistreat them -all the things they’ve actually done to you! The nerve of these people!

3. They answer questions with a question

This frustrating tactic is used to deflect their transgressions and further confuse their victims. Seriously, there really is no straight answers from them. Since breaking it off with mine and noticing the other narc’s in my life, I am stunned to see they all do this at one point or another. This is called deflecting.

Deflecting is a painfully common tactic used by narcissists is divert and attack. Here, the goal is to shift attention away from what the narcissist is saying and doing to what you are saying and doing, where they never have to take responsibility for their toxic behavior or address anything you’re saying! Before you know it, you will be on the defensive and the one apologizing if you’re not careful.

4. They cheat with their exes and groom new supplies

The most obvious trait of a narc lover is their inability to remain faithful. They can’t turn down attention -its what they crave more than anything. The reason behind their infidelity varies by type. For a malignant narcissist; it’s to stroke their ego and the sheer enjoyment of being so cleverly deceptive. For the covert type; its to play the victim and garner sympathy for themselves; their only cheating because their partner treats them so poorly after all.

The end goal is always the same; an extreme need for attention or narcissistic supply. Whether positive or negative, attention is their main goal when sleeping around. Triangulation is another. They always have someone on the back burner lined up for your discard if you dare call them out for their questionable behavior.

Say no more and discard them first

Empathic people naturally draw narcissists to them. Your kind heart, and intuitive nature make you prime targets for them. I am lucky. I escaped. Once you leave one, they will stalk you, they will plead with you to take them back. They will threaten suicide. Anything is on the table if they can get their supply back and abuse you to their own enjoyment.

Work on yourself. Build your self esteem back up. Focus on your kids. Go no contact and take out a restraining order or peace bond if necessary – just do not let these energy vampires back into your heart or head space again!

Have you experienced these classic abuse tactics by a narc lover or family member? Did I miss anything? Comment below your experience or feedback.

Much love,

Holly May.


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A Month Without My Mom

Relationships

It’s been a month since God brought you home. It’s been a month since that deck collapsed while we cried in disbelief over losing you. It’s been a month since your dad died beside me mere hours after you. September 3, 2021 was -without a doubt, the worst day of my life.

Susan Jean Power with her Grandchildren

The circumstances surrounding my mom’s sudden death are strange. The out of ordinary occurrences before and after her passing has compounded my grief and pain. I can’t stop thinking about it all. She’s on my mind constantly. I am baffled by her absence as if I thought I’d have her beside me forever. She was 60 years old. Far too young to die. She was tough, kind, fun, exuberant.

My beautiful mother Susan Jean Power at 18 years old

She went through a hip replacement surgery ten years ago and felt like a new person and “…ready for the next fifty years.” of her life -I remember her saying. Then when she was 55, she overcame throat cancer. She persevered through Chemotherapy. She lost a ton of weight and most of her voice in the process. Removing the tumor during surgery damaged her voice box. This bothered her -she had an unfiltered gift of gab and a way with words throughout her life. She now had to learn to quiet her voice but at least it wasn’t lost forever.

My Mom at 25 years old with her fraternal twins

My mom and grandfather were close. When my grandmother Sandra died, my mom took over the care of her dad Charlie. She moved him in with us right before her throat cancer diagnosis.

He had a dog named Connie and Mom had a dog named Tiffy. The small dogs got along great for the many years they had them. Both of their dogs died weeks apart from each-other. Connie died first; of old age and Tiffy was put to sleep after breaking her neck weeks before my mom passed.

The day mom died was the worst day of my life and it couldn’t get any worse. Until night fell and I was proven wrong. My two brothers and my sister were all standing on the deck of my sister’s house with my grandfather. We got to the house about 4:00 pm – just missing the coroner leaving with my beloved mothers body headed for autopsy. After hours of reminiscing, storytelling and crying, we called it a night and at 9:00 pm (five hours of standing around on said deck) we started giving hugs and goodbyes.

I was standing at my twin brothers side watching him lean down talking closely with our grandfather. Before I could hug him one last time, the sound of wood crackling filled my ears and within a blink of an eye, I was on the ground. I screamed in pain, my left hip was under my grandfathers body and both of my legs were under panels of wood and a very large BBQ that fell ten feet down with us. The deck collapsed. I wiggled myself out of the rubble cutting my bare legs in the process.

I looked around and saw everyone was disoriented but conscious…except my grandfather. He was lying lifeless next to me. I knew he was gone. I froze, in complete shock suddenly unable to speak. My brother reacted quickly, he instructed my sister to hold up our grandfathers head while he performed CPR. He got him breathing before the paramedics arrived (many of whom were at this address earlier in the day tending to my mother). We all went to the Guelph hospital for our somewhat minor injuries. My grandfather was taken to Hamilton hospital.

Imagine a deck collapsing from 10 feet height with furniture, a BBQ and 6 people standing on it.
Cuts, scars and bone bruises from deck collapse accident

My sister broke one of her ribs while my hips and legs were full of cuts and bruises but no fractures or breaks thankfully. We rejoiced in this odd occurrence at the hospital in such a fragile state. We high fived my brother for reviving our grandfather. It was a strange day. We went home and tried to sleep with our battered bodies and broken hearts. We woke up to find out horrible news. Our Pa landed on his head when he fell. At 80 years old, he suffered a catastrophic brain bleed from the impact that would be unlikely even for a 20 year old to overcome. He also suffered organ damage from the impact of the fall and had ruptured the base of his spine at his neck when he landed. He wouldn’t be pulling through this. No-one could. He would be vegetable. Everything about Charlie that was Charlie would no longer be, even if his body survived miraculously -his brain wouldn’t recover. A week later, after many discussions with his doctors, we were at his bedside, reluctantly saying goodbye. He was going with Mom now.

My Grandfather Charlie Gratto

I got a tiny bit of comfort knowing that my grandfather was meant to go with Mom and they are together with my grandmother now but the whole sequence of events will unnerve me for a long time to come. I wonder if they had a pact before this life to leave together. I wonder a lot of things.

Rest in Paradise
Susan Jean Power March 8th, 1961 – September 3rd, 2021
Charles Keith Gratto March 23rd, 1941 – September 9th, 2021


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Narcissistic abuse warning that reads "Love shouldn't hurt"

3 Early Warning Signs of a Narcissistic Lover

Memphis Novel, NPD, Relationships
Narcissistic Abuse skull

The early days of a new relationship is usually filled with joy, butterflies and adventures. With all that fun, it’s easy to get carried away with someone who makes you the center of their world quickly. Let’s not throw all caution out the window though -the first date or two is the best time to lay out boundaries with your potential future significant other. You are in charge of your happiness and sanity after-all.

Narcissistic personality disorder involves a pattern of self-centered, arrogant thinking and behavior, a lack of empathy and consideration for other people, and an excessive need for admiration. Others often describe people with NPD as cocky, manipulative, selfish, patronizing, and demanding.

According to phychcentral.com, Narcissistic Personality Disorder effects nearly 6% of the population and narcissist abuse effects over 158 Million Americans annually. Don’t let yourself be a statistic! Know the signs and educate yourself with the three early warning signs of narcissistic abuse below.

1. Love Bombing

Love bombing is the practice of showering a person with excessive affection and attention in order to gain control or significantly influence their behavior. The love bomber’s attention might feel good, but the motive is all about manipulation.

Multiple texts or calls throughout the day and early proclamations of love are warning signs that you’re being love bombed -possibly by a person with NPD. Affection, flattery, gifts and praise in generous amounts that scream to good to be true is a sure sign that you might dealing with a narcissist.

2. Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a means to manipulate someone by psychological means into questioning their own sanity via their memory, judgement or perceptions. Gaslighting is used by narcissists to sow seeds of doubt in their victims so they question their reality. The results can be catastrophic to a person’s self esteem and confidence leading to second guessing yourself, apologizing often and an overall feeling that everything you do is wrong.

If you find your date tells you that you remembered something wrong more than once or repeatedly disagrees with your opinions, that’s not normal behavior; its a sign a narcissistic abuse. Cut ties now.

3. Triangulation

Triangulation is “a psychological threesome that you didn’t consent to..” according to medium.com. Triangulation is when a toxic or manipulative person, often a person with strong narcissistic traits, brings a third person into their relationship in order to remain in control. There will be limited or no communication between the two triangulated individuals except through the manipulator. It may appear in different forms, but all are about divide and conquer, or playing people against each other.

For example say, things have going well in your new relationship and you are invited to meet his friends or family. You make introductions but something is off. Your gut is telling you that maybe you’re not welcome or the friends or family members aren’t as warm as you’d hoped for. Trust your gut! If any of his friends or family members give you sneers or frowns upon first meeting -he’s already started his smear campaign against you!

Fold and move on, before you get in too deep.

Trust me.

Much love,

Holly May.


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