What you’re destined to do in this lifetime can be found in your name


A fascination with birthdays and numbers

I have been fascinated with birthdays for as long as I can remember. As a child, I would read my horoscope daily in the Toronto Sun newspaper, convinced that the three or four lines of predictions for the day ahead were set in stone. I would choose Aries or Taurus based on which star sign offered the most fortunate predictions. My birthday might be the last day of Aries or the first day of Taurus so I could choose which sign I’d be for that day. I felt very lucky that I could choose between two signs (born on a cusp) while everyone else had a birthday smack in the middle of a sign’s date range.

My interest in my daily horoscope readings evolved into reading about all twelve zodiac signs. I memorized the date ranges for every sign. I memorized the symbols, archetype and elements associated with each sign. I expanded my knowledge further by researching Chinese astrology that uses a persons year of birth instead of the month and day. Combining the western astrological sign with a Chinese sign filled in many gaps for friends and family members I would read for that didn’t seem to match the best with their typical zodiac sign’s traits. But it still wasn’t a perfect match even combining these two.

A perfect example; me and my twin brother. We were born the same day, and the same year mere minutes apart but still had clear distinctions in our personality traits and aspirations. Surely having the same birthdate, the same parents and the same upbringing would make our personalities nearly identical as well but they are not. Far from it. He is loud, aggressive, a comedian. I am more calm, gentle and a good listener, He’s an extrovert, I am more introverted. What was the key indicator for for us to be so distinct as twins? I kept expanding on my knowledge and came across the study of numerology.

Numerology is the belief in an occult, divine or mystical relationship between a number and one or more coinciding events. It is also the study of the numerical value, via an alphanumeric system, of the letters in words and names. When numerology is applied to a person’s name, it is a form of onomancy.

Western Astrology groups everyone into twelve zodiac signs. Chinese Astrology groups us into twelve animal signs. Numerology adds another layer into an additional twelve number groups -ranging from numbers 1-9 and including master numbers 11, 22 and 33. And there it was. The distinguishing factor between us twins – our names. This number explores what you are destined to do in your lifetime and who you are destined to become. It points to the strengths you should use and develop to lead a fulfilling life.

Your Destiny Number is also referred to as the expression number / name number / potential number. The Destiny/Expression number reveals the talents and abilities instilled in you at birth and is one of the most important numbers in your chart. My Destiny number is 8 while my twin brothers is a 3. We radiate the energy of our destiny or expression number much more than our star sign.

How to calculate your Destiny Number

Use the chart below to assign a numerical value to each letter in your full birth name. Next add all the single digits together until those digits reduce down to a single digit gives you your Destiny Number.


Then sum up the total of each of your names separatelyensuring you reduce each double-digit to a single-digit number.

Finally, sum up the single digits from each of your names to find your special number.

For example, if the name is Nicole Mary Kidman the calculations will look like this:

Nicole: 5 + 9 + 3 + 6 + 3 + 5 = 31 = 3 + 1 = 4

Mary: 4 + 1 + 9 + 7 = 21 = 2 + 1 = 3

Kidman: 2 + 9 + 4 + 4 + 1 + 5 = 25 = 2 + 5 = 7

Next, sum up 4, 3 and 7 to get 14. Reduce 14 to a single digit 1 + 4 = 5.

The destiny number is 5.

What Are Master Numbers?

Your expression number/destiny number is usually a single digit, as was just demonstrated. But that’s not always true. There are a few master numbers that act differently. These are number 11, number 22 and number 33. If you get one of these as your final result, that’s your destiny number — not the sum of the two digits. Consider yourself blessed if you have a master number. Master numbers are special because their energy is amplified or of double significance. Carriers of master numbers have double blessings and double expectations that can come in the form of life lessons attached to them.

Your Destiny Number Meaning

What does your destiny number mean for you? Each number comes with a set of traits the person has and the roles the person fits in. I have included my favorite destiny number interpretations from numerologist Felicia Bender below.

Destiny Number 1

Your destiny is to become #1 at all you do in your life.

Your task is to develop your true, authentic self and to become in leader in whatever field you find you’re the most passionate and skilled.  You’re all about power.  You want to be the best at everything you do. You expect very high standards of performance from yourself and, in turn, also expect the same from others, which can set you up for frustration and disappointment.

Your purpose is to take the lead and take initiative—the 1 Destiny number is not lack-luster or low-key! You’re meant to have courage, act independently on your unique and original ideas, be innovative, and take charge.  All this while communicating and acting with clarity and compassion. 

A 1 Destiny number sets you up for a lifetime of development of your sense of self (banish that sense of self-doubt), your willpower, and setting out with determination without allowing the naysayers or glitches along the road weigh you down or demolish your vision. You work hard and play hard.  You need to have an exercise routine that helps you burn off excess stress.

Your 1 Destiny number insists that even if you struggle with self confidence or hold yourself back from manifesting your full powers, you’re lined up for a destiny that demands that you embrace leadership.  You need to demonstrate your originality and leadership and also teach it to others.  The 1 Destiny number will demand that you develop yourself from a dependence to independence, individuation, and – ultimately – achievement and initiative.

Destiny Number 2

Your destiny is to bring people together in an atmosphere of harmony and love.

Your mission is to create harmony, balance, cooperation, and love wherever you go and in whatever you do.  Love is the cornerstone to your life and finding that perfect mate is important to you. You’re here to learn how to develop your sense of relationship;  how to successfully understand and relate to others and to yourself. 

Your path includes developing diplomacy.  Your 2 Destiny encourages you to seek to be of service to the “larger cause;” whether that’s your family, your company, or any other cause or group you feel strongly about.  Your destiny is to develop adaptability, open- hearted caring, and focus on the higher good.  Understand that you need to get out and socialize, because when you isolate yourself, you suffer from pessimism, depression, and inaction. 

You thrive when you’re involved with other people and contributing to the group dynamics, whether it’s with friends, work, family, or a community group. You’ll be tested with being overly sensitive and can resort to becoming confrontational rather than the harmonizer.  Beware of needing incessant reinforcement from everyone around you, because you’re not likely to get it!  Even if you find that you’re challenged with being passive or aggressive—indecisive or lacking focus—your calling is to become a peacemaker and harmonizing influence on whatever you touch.

Destiny Number 3

Your destiny is to inspire, motivate, heal, and uplift people.

If you find you have a Destiny Number 3, you’re being called to inspire, heal, uplift, and energize others.  You’re all about performance, however that manifests for you in your life.  Your ultimate purpose comes through when you’re operating with a core sense of optimism, enthusiasm, compassion, and joy. 

Some of the qualities you bring to the table are beauty, possible eccentricity, excitement, and fame.  When you’ve tapped into your authentic sense of expression and then inspire others to use and express theirs, you’re fulfilling your life’s purpose.  If you give up on your dreams and don’t use your talents creatively, you’ll battle with depression and find yourself traveling down other unsatisfying or destructive pathways.  You must pursue your true calling, so make efforts to focus on what that is for you, believe in it and don’t be deterred from embracing it. 

Often the 3 brings so many talents and ideas with it, it’s difficult to focus on just one, making procrastination or scattered focus a hurdle.  You’ll be challenged with learning to identify and embrace your own emotional life and often will be most effective in helping yourself help others through your gift of words (both verbal and written), through your amazing sense of wit and humor, and by being lighthearted and a good communicator and listener. 

You might find challenges in the areas of emotional ups and downs, depression, or being judgmental and critical. You’ll also have a tendency to over-think just about everything, so schedule in brain-relaxation or you’ll go nuts.  If you find that being onstage doesn’t feel natural to you, chances are this is the result of residual wounds from your childhood.  Don’t resist your feelings; they offer you profound wisdom. Your 3 Destiny number calls you to express yourself and help others do the same in the most positive, funny, joyful way possible.

Destiny Number 4

Your destiny is to leave something of value that people can find beneficial in their day-to-day lives.

You’re intent on building something of lasting value; whether that’s a family of your own, a business, or other enterprise.  You’re all about stability and security.  You’re hardworking, can be a pillar of your community, and are immanently trustworthy. In fact, honesty is a big issue for you.

You have the potential to be a stellar marriage or business partner. Your life purpose revolves around being practical and hardworking.  You’re the systems-builder.  You’re the keeper of order and thrive on stability and security.  You might lean toward rigidness or stubbornness.

You could avoid putting down roots, shy away from hard work, and avoid having a family of your own.  Sometimes you can become so self-sacrificing that you become the martyr or a tyrant.  This stems from your need to control and also from your high level of expectation about your own performance—and the performance of others.  Your intentions are always for the greater good, yet that’s not often clear to anyone but you.

The biggest roadblock for the 4 Destiny number is a fear of appearing dumb (or let’s say “under informed”) and a fear of taking risks.  A person with a 4 Destiny number can wake up one day when they’re older and realize that none of their dreams have been realized because of their inability to step outside their own self-imposed box.

Even so, your 4 Destiny number puts you on the path of managing, organizing, and creating a foundation from which to build your life or enterprise.  Don’t let fear of criticism stop you from creating the foundation from which you build your contribution to the world.

Destiny Number 5

Your destiny is to effect change and show people how to live life to the maximum.

The freewheeling 5 Destiny number pushes you toward a mission of adaptability, progress, freedom, and embracing the adventure of life.  Freedom is the guiding force in your life.  You thrive on hands-on experience.  You’re task is to develop your constructive use of freedom.

Your purpose is to embrace your sense of fearlessness and follow your curiosity to explore the world and offer your magnetic presence and gifts to those around you. Most often the 5 Destiny number is intelligent, philosophical, and spiritually minded. 

You’re a natural salesperson when you’re dealing with something you believe in.  This Destiny number leads you on a roller coaster, where life can feel as though it’s coming at you without a filter.  Your destiny is one of liberation and freedom, no matter how you slice it. 

If you find yourself on the opposite end of the spectrum, you’ll do battle with self-absorption, paranoia, myopia, fearfulness, and emotional paralysis.  Remember there’s truly nothing to fear but fear itself (thank you Franklin D. Roosevelt).

You can move through intimate relationships like you’re changing your socks.  Your effect on other people can be baffling to you, as others might feel tricked or “played” by you, even when you’re simply moving to the beat of your own music.  Your heightened self-centered emotionalism might also try your friendships and intimate relationships. You can swerve over into the “high maintenance” category with great ease, making your love relationships, family interaction, and friendships potentially exasperating to those on the other end of your relationship-pole.  

Move forward, recalibrate yourself, and embrace positive change.  Ultimately, your gift is showing others how to live fearlessly through your example.  The key to your 5 Destiny is to work with boundaries and certain parameters or life could be chaotic and out of control.

Destiny Number 6

Your destiny is to provide a nurturing safe ‘nest’ for yourself and your loved ones.

Your mission is to nurture and serve, plain and simple.  Whether it’s your family and loved ones or your business or community, you are a master at creating beauty, harmony, and balance.  Love (shaken and stirred!) with acceptance is key for you as a 6 Destiny number. 

You have a polished presentation about you and denote an air of authority in whatever you do.  One of your specialties is damage control, so when things are moving along without trauma or drama, you have a tendency to either sweat it (while you wait for the other shoe to drop, so to speak) or you stir things up in order to have a problem to focus your energies on. Give yourself permission to accept things when life is good and smooth!  They’ll always be another problem to solve down the line.  No need to push it.

You may find yourself in positions of responsibility early on in your life and that sense of responsibility will continue as you mature. You’re a people pleaser, sometimes to your detriment. You need to feel indispensable to others and yet resent the fact that others rely on you too much.  Beware of partnering with someone who is more of a “patient” than a partner because you’ll find yourself becoming an enabler rather than a nurturer.  Remember that your mission is to balance and modulate your sense of responsibility – not overly responsible (meddling, self-righteous, perfectionist) and not overly irresponsible (self-centered, judgmental, controlling).

You’re in your element when you’re expressing gratitude, generosity, acceptance of others, and giving comfort to others in times of need.  You express your life’s purpose through love and service.  While you may tend toward self-righteousness, codependency, or fall into being a martyr, your true calling is in healthy nurturing, compassionate detachment, acceptance of others (get past that perfectionism!), and adding beauty and your beautiful vision to the world.

Destiny Number 7

Your destiny is to develop trust and faith and find your own answer to the meaning of life.

As a 7 Destiny number, your mission is to seek out information and analyze it.  You’re all about knowledge and spiritual seeking. You dig deep and contemplate heavily.  You’re the perfect researcher and everything always comes back to informing your own sense of inner wisdom.  Your life-long task is to get to know the true you, inside and out.

You need a good deal of private “alone” time.  Your life is instructed by a powerful collision between practical, tangible data and the analysis of it.  Then on the other hand, you’re highly intuitive and your gift—and your task—is to integrate the two (your intellect and your intuition) into a harmonious dance team. 

If you find yourself isolated to the point of withdrawing from the “outside world,” you’re straying from the constructive nature of your 7 Destiny.  The highest and best use of your extraordinary talents are cultivating knowledge, processing it into new ideas or practical usage, and applying your advanced wisdom to the data. 

You’re a person people never really truly know because you’re most often attempting to figure that out yourself!  Watch out for your sharp words, as you can hurt people without realizing it. You have exquisite observation skills and when you have a strong sense of spirituality (however that manifests for you), you’re at your best.  Otherwise, you can fall into superficiality, skepticism, cynicism or depression.  You’re a gentle soul and your destiny is to share your hard-won wisdom with the world.

Destiny Number 8

Your destiny is to manifest financial security that allows you freedom to make a difference in the world.

An 8 Destiny number is calling for you to gain self-mastery in a profound way.  Your purpose is to achieve and succeed with business and organization—not to mention personal power, control, authority, and above all, ethics.  The Eight is a relentless taskmaster and demands that you understand and employ all your abilities to achieve financial abundance and also to give to others generously.  When you realize that you’re here to achieve power and abundance and then act on that knowledge, your destiny will be fulfilled. Right out of the gate, you have authority issues.

Do you walk into a room as if you own the place (even when you don’t)?  Watch out for becoming an opinionated control-freak. Steer clear of greed, ruthlessness, or being overly opinionated and over-bearing.  Instead, focus on wealth and abundance.  Remember that as you give, you receive. Oddly enough, you can be extremely sentimental and emotional.  It’s your task to learn to be a confident and charismatic person without becoming corrupted or hardened by power and money. 

Remember that you have amazing potential for improving the lives of a lot of people.  You’re a masterful leader;  a powerhouse made for material success.  You can be easily misinterpreted because of your gruff, direct, and opinionated manner.  When you’re thriving financially and giving generously from your heart, you’re doing what you were born to do.  Your word of caution:  don’t allow the pursuit of money to overshadow your ability to build healthy relationships and don’t be so stubborn!  Listen to other peoples’ advice;  they can help you build your empire.

Your flip-side is that you find yourself in the opposite situation.  The first item of business that’ll open the gate for you to achieve your 8 Destiny is to dig deep and tap into your sense of personal empowerment.  And believe me, you’ll be handed a treasure-trove of opportunities to step up or be stepped on

Money and power are a consistent theme in your life one way or the other.  I know people who scoff when they hear they their Destiny number  (or Life Path number) is an Eight (or their significant others’ is an 8) and comment with great exasperation:  “I can’t even hold down a job!” or “If only it were true that I’m supposed to make a lot of money – I’m on disability”  or “I’ve just never had the lucky break I need – I never get a break.”

If you struggle with money, start with healing and establishing your sense of yourself by establishing and acting on your personal boundaries.  The energy of the 8 isn’t an easy walk in the park.  It demands that you dig into your power and move through obstacles – and there will be many obstacles.  An 8 Destiny number means you have to step it up.

Destiny Number 9

Your destiny is to achieve a higher state of consciousness and teach others how to achieve theirs.

Your mission is a humanitarian one.  Yours is a spiritual path and you’re here to love unconditionally, however that may manifest in your life. You’re often a hopeless romantic at heart and can set yourself up for disappointment when people don’t measure up to your ideals.   You’re at your optimal when you’re tapping into your creativity, sensitivity, and selflessness.

Beware that others may find that you’re ideas are a little on the cuckoo-side! This Destiny number is a powerful one demanding that you learn to transform and heal (both yourself and others) while letting go of the past freely and without bitterness. 

You may find yourself tripping over into the arena of resentment, of intolerance, or gullibility.  You may have to deal with enmeshment with your family of origin throughout your life. Your task is to let go of family issues fully and completely.  You often feel either resentment toward the family or feel overly responsible for them.

You need to be aware that people respond much more favorably to you when you connect with them through being a compassionate active listener rather than a preacher, lecturer, or proselytizer. Understand that you can have an intimidating quality to you, despite your big heart.  So be careful about how your frame your discussion so that people don’t feel as though you’re patronizing them. 

Often the 9 Destiny number can come off as arrogant or unapproachable.  Realize that everyone thinks you have it all (or have it all together) and so you find it difficult to ask for help or support.  It’s not only okay to ask for help, it’s very healing for you.  Know that your 9 Destiny is a profound journey that offers you multifaceted opportunities to touch the lives of others and heal some of your own deepest wounds.  You’re learning how to both give and receive.

Master Destiny Number 11/2

Your destiny is to heal and transform others through selfless service and artistic creativity.

Your special mission is to recognize and use your creativity, intuition, and healing abilities for the benefit of humanity as a whole.  You can achieve this in a multitude of ways—eliciting an emotional response through dance, music, or art.  Working one-on-one or in groups with various healing modalities.  Or you can write, entertain, teach. 

Remember, you are a double 1 (leadership, confidence) and yet also a 2 (harmony, love).  So you come with some special challenges to fulfill your mission.  A 2 Life Path will go out of their way to avoid being in the spotlight.  A 2 is most at peace and satisfied when they’re taking the reins behind the scenes.  The 11 pushes you into the spotlight and this will have some disconcerting effects on you.  You’ll feel as though nothing you do is ever quite enough.  You’ll have a nervous energy that you just can’t control.  You’ll lean toward impatience and criticism (toward yourself and others) and arm-wrestle with self-doubt.

If you’re to embrace this Destiny number, you’ll do battle with a fairly hefty ego, which is ironic because you volley from feeling totally inferior to loftily superior; back and forth.  This number sets you up for inspired leadership and achievement.  Yet you’ll most likely feel as though you’re jumping through rings of fire to get there.

You might even think of yourself as “The Wounded Healer,” because your life provides you with plenty of obstacles to get your footing, embrace your high level of spirituality and intuition, and then act upon your gifts in a solid and practical way that will bring your message to the masses.  This Destiny number requires that you build and use your emotional psychic shield daily or you’ll become so emotionally wounded you won’t have the strength or fortitude to fulfill your mission.

Master Destiny Number  22/4

Your destiny is to bring forth masterful teaching and inspired practical ideas.

Your mission as a Master number is to execute and build projects that will benefit a wide arena of humankind.  This is a spiritual path (like all the Master numbers) that prods you to step out of the slow, steady security of the number 4 and kick it up substantially.  This will be uncomfortable for you until you get the hang of it, because it’s contrary to the pull you have with the rule-following energy of the 4.

You’ll use all the hardworking, step-by-step qualities of the Four while tapping into a higher level of purpose and action.  You’ll learn to take risks and look toward setting higher stakes with your enterprises.  You’re the Master Builder extraordinaire, so look toward building solid foundations to your enterprise with the big picture in front of you at all times. 

You might be challenged with not feeling up to the task or even entitled to do something that might take you into fame and fortune.  You might even cringe at the idea of making a lot of money given the energy of the 4 is more about feeling a sense of security, not necessarily manifesting abundance.  It sounds like a small detail, yet mentally this can drag you down.

You’re being pushed toward bringing spiritual practices down to the material, day-to-day world.  Avoid your stubborn streak and a tendency to be a know-it-all.  Gather your supporters around you, set up the systems to make it work, and hand over some of the responsibilities to others.  If you find yourself doing it all yourself, you aren’t living up to your 22 Destiny. 

Master Destiny Number 33

Your destiny is masterful healing and inspired vision.

This is a challenge from the get-go.  If you find yourself with a 33 Destiny number, your mission (should you choose to accept it! . . . cue Mission Impossible music . . . ) is to be a Master Healer and to bring forth a higher form of love to the world.  Since you have the double 3’s, you also have to do this with joy, fun, and heart-felt communication and expression.

 It’s your calling to teach and show by example the power of love.  You’re meant to serve as a conduit to healing on whatever level you feel most compelled to engage.  The Master number presupposes that you’ll take on leadership positions and the 33/6 encompasses visionary goals, truth and beauty, and a nurturing and giving heart.

You might wrestle with feeling over-burdened.  Your tendency will be to be emotionally raw, taking in the wounds of the world.  Even so, you’re still on the path of helping and healing in whatever form you choose.

Music Monday: Wheel in the Sky, Journey

Music, Music Monday

A classic from 1978 (circa: my novel Memphis), Wheel in the Sky by Journey is such a cool track. It’s one of the more philosophical Journey songs, telling the story of man trying desperately to return to his home. The verse lyrics are rather hazy, but the chorus offers an accessible metaphor for how life goes on no matter our personal struggles. Some would say the “wheel in the sky” is referring to the sun and others believe its about astrology.

I think of the Wheel of Fortune Tarot card more than anything when this song plays. The Wheel of Fortune tarot card signifies the constant spinning of life’s ups and downs. We get lucky breaks and we get life lessons -often disguised as bad fortune. One thing in life is certain, it keeps rolling.


Winter is here again, oh lord
Haven’t been home in a year or more
I hope she holds on a little longer
Sent a letter on a long summer day
Made of silver, not of clay
I’ve been runnin’ down this dusty road

Wheel in the sky keeps on turnin’
I don’t know where I’ll be tomorrow
Wheel in the sky keeps on turnin’

I’ve been trying to make it home
Got to make it before too long
I can’t take this very much longer
I’m stranded in the sleet and rain
Don’t think I’m ever gonna make it home again
The mornin’ sun is risin’
It’s kissin the day

Oh the wheel in the sky keeps on turnin’
I don’t’ know where I’ll be tomorrow
Ooo the wheel in the sky keeps on turnin’

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Diane T. Valory / Neal Joseph Schon / Robert Fleischmann

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narcissists are snakes

Bizarre Things a Narcissist Does in a Relationship

Health, Relationships

Am I the only one who was looking for love but ended up a shell of my old self armed with a masters degree in narcissistic personality disorders? Whether you’re currently deep in a trauma bond with your narcissist or have recently found the courage to leave them and are in the healing stages (c-PTSD anyone?) you will relate to these bizarre things a narcissistic lover will do to you during your relationship with them.

The cruel ways of a narcissist come on only after the love bombing stage has worn off. They start letting their mask slip only when they know you’ve fallen deeply in love with them. It might take three months. It might take a year (in my case).

Narcissists are strategic two-faced snakes who will stop at nothing to hurt you to feel powerful -as if this is the only way to add some sort of meaning to their pathetic lives. Once I began noticing these odd habits of my nex lover, I took to Google and came across narcissistic personality disorder. He fit every box under the Covert Narcissist spectrum.

I was astonished that this was a real thing. Narcissists are snobby know-it-all’s who love staring at their own reflection but they are still people with a heart and conscious. After a five year relationship with one, I now wonder if these people even have a soul.

1. They cause chaos before important events & holidays

Special occasions are sure to be ruined by the narcissist in your life. They hate to see you happy and can’t wait to sabotage special occasions such as holidays, birthdays and anniversaries. Forget gift giving. They will either not get you a gift at all or get you something you didn’t ask for and throw a fit when you express your dissatisfaction. A perfect example; I wanted a simple gift for Christmas one year from my narc boyfriend. It was a bottle of Poison Girl perfume. That’s the only thing I asked for.

I even gave him tips and hints on where to get it at a reduced price. On Christmas morning, he proudly gave me an unwrapped box of five assorted knockoff perfumes. He actually smirked at my confused look upon seeing the no name bottles of perfume after numerous discussions of Poison Girl perfume.

He then opened one of his gifts; an Amazon gift card, and subtly complained that he wanted a Wish gift card. He specifically asked for an Amazon gift card! This behavior was never ending no matter how clear I made my expectations or how clear he made his. Gaslight much?

2. They smear your reputation

They smear your reputation every chance they get. The smear campaign is one of many abuse tactics all varieties of narcissists use on their supplies. Triangulation at its finest. They set you up from the beginning to paint themselves as the victim and you: the perpetrator.

They know the end game of your relationship together. They expect you to eventually call them out for the lying, the cheating, and the physical & emotional abuse when you just can’t take it anymore. They’ve been through the cycles many times before already.

So, like a game of chess, they will be ready to defend themselves when the time comes that you’ve had enough. When you start coming clean about how horrible they treat you behind closed doors, you’re gonna find out that many people will be shaking their heads in astonishment because the very claims you put on them are claims already circulating about you! Yup, all along they’ve been telling people stories of how much you cheat and mistreat them -all the things they’ve actually done to you! The nerve of these people!

3. They answer questions with a question

This frustrating tactic is used to deflect their transgressions and further confuse their victims. Seriously, there really is no straight answers from them. Since breaking it off with mine and noticing the other narc’s in my life, I am stunned to see they all do this at one point or another. This is called deflecting.

Deflecting is a painfully common tactic used by narcissists is divert and attack. Here, the goal is to shift attention away from what the narcissist is saying and doing to what you are saying and doing, where they never have to take responsibility for their toxic behavior or address anything you’re saying! Before you know it, you will be on the defensive and the one apologizing if you’re not careful.

4. They cheat with their exes and groom new supplies

The most obvious trait of a narc lover is their inability to remain faithful. They can’t turn down attention -its what they crave more than anything. The reason behind their infidelity varies by type. For a malignant narcissist; it’s to stroke their ego and the sheer enjoyment of being so cleverly deceptive. For the covert type; its to play the victim and garner sympathy for themselves; their only cheating because their partner treats them so poorly after all.

The end goal is always the same; an extreme need for attention or narcissistic supply. Whether positive or negative, attention is their main goal when sleeping around. Triangulation is another. They always have someone on the back burner lined up for your discard if you dare call them out for their questionable behavior.

Say no more and discard them first

Empathic people naturally draw narcissists to them. Your kind heart, and intuitive nature make you prime targets for them. I am lucky. I escaped. Once you leave one, they will stalk you, they will plead with you to take them back. They will threaten suicide. Anything is on the table if they can get their supply back and abuse you to their own enjoyment.

Work on yourself. Build your self esteem back up. Focus on your kids. Go no contact and take out a restraining order or peace bond if necessary – just do not let these energy vampires back into your heart or head space again!

Have you experienced these classic abuse tactics by a narc lover or family member? Did I miss anything? Comment below your experience or feedback.

Much love,

Holly May.

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3 Ways to Manifest Your Goals During a New Moon


Every month. the moon offers potent universal energy to bring in new opportunities, fresh vibes and amplified intentions with goal setting in mind. While a Full Moon is for releasing, a New Moon is for attracting. The new Moon today, March 2nd, 2022 is the perfect time to reassess your intentions for the upcoming moon cycle. Whether your goals relate to attracting a new partner, manifesting a new job or income source or hitting your fitness goals, the moon’s energy can be harnessed to hit those objectives with increased speed. Performing consistent moon rituals will set you up for success in life, love and luck.

The Moon cycles are notorious for making our emotions hit all time highs. It’s a scientific fact that the Moon controls the oceans tides. Women’s menstrual cycles are even believed to correlate with lunar cycles. Spiritual maven or not, there’s no denying the Moon’s impact on planet Earth or its inhabitants. The Moon’s planetary significance rules our emotions and illusions. It represents your emotional side, your feelings, intuition and memories. So how can you harness the potent energy by the new moon lunar cycle? Here’s three new moon ritual’s to do within three days of a new Moon. The day of is the most magical.

1. Write down your goals in a journal

The most simple and important thing to do during a new moon is to write! Write what you want to bring into your life during the month ahead. It doesn’t have to be tedious or elaborate. It should be fun. It can be as simple as journaling a list of anything you want to achieve. Think small steps. Asking to earn one million dollars during a new moon will only disappoint you. Create affirmations that are simple to recite and make notes of them in your journal alongside your goals. Writing your goals on paper should get you thinking and assessing where you are and where you want to be. The mere process of writing improves memory retention and impresses the words on your subconscious. Do this every month for a year and its much more likely that your 12 small goals will turn into one big overall achievement a year from now.

2. Start something new

A new moon is the perfect time of the month to begin something new. Whether your goals are of a personal or professional nature, you will move the needle on new projects much faster and more seamlessly during the new moon. Plant a tree. Go on a first date. Take a class or sign up for one around the new moon. Start your fitness routine or diet plan. Whatever your goals are, the most potent time to start something new and stick with it or draw it into your being is during this lunar cycle. The new moon is a time to plant seeds. Set intentions for how you want to feel and what you want to achieve by taking the first steps of intention.

3. Meditate & visualize your goals being achieved

Meditation is so important to our mental and spiritual well being. We should meditate daily. If you’re starting out, it’s best to at least practice meditation on and around the full and new moon cycles. Outside of these, practice mindfulness as a supplement to your meditation efforts. Don’t just sip your cup of coffee, feel the warmth of the mug in your hands. It’s that simple. Back to meditation specifically. According to the Mayo Clinic, the emotional benefits of meditation can include:

  • Gaining a new perspective on stressful situations
  • Building skills to manage your stress
  • Increasing self-awareness
  • Focusing on the present
  • Reducing negative emotions
  • Increasing imagination and creativity
  • Increasing patience and tolerance

Who doesn’t want more of these? There’s many excellent guided meditation video’s on YouTube that can be played before going to sleep at night. There’s guided manifestation meditations, third eye activation meditation, heart chakra meditations and many more. Find one that you resonate with and subscribe to that channel for new meditation video upload notifications. A key component to many meditation sessions is visualization. Visualize yourself buying that new house. Imagine walking into it, smelling the fresh paint, seeing all the details on your wish list before your eyes. Experience your goals being realized using all five senses to make the visualization the most effective. Hold the imagery in your mind’s eye for at least a minute and work up from there.

Final Moon rituals to practice

Your moon rituals do not have to be super witchy or elaborate. Keep it simple if you are just getting into manifesting using the moon’s lunar cycles. A few other things of importance during a new moon; deep clean and sage your home. I do this religiously during full and new moon cycles. Open your windows during a full moon to cast things out or to release what’s no longer serving you. During a new moon, pay special attention to your front door tidiness; wash your welcome mats, sweep, mop and tidy anything in your entryway to allow new opportunities in! Cleanliness is next to godliness.

Do you have any moon rituals not mentioned here? Drop a comment below.

Much love,

Holly May.

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Nurse or doctor gloved hand holding a vaccine needle

My First Covid-19 Vaccine Dose: An Anti-Vaxxer’s Perspective


I never wanted to get vaccinated against Covid-19. I didn’t see a need for it. I am in my thirties -fairly young, I don’t have any underlying health conditions and I’m not obese. Logic told me that the opposite groups of the latter are the ones who need the vaccine for protection; the ill and the elderly. But, the official narrative told me otherwise. Coming from all different directions. My neighbor. My extended family. My colleagues. My politicians. They all advised me repeatedly: “Get vaccinated!”. I held off as long as I could while numbing out opposing views and staying true to my own inner compass that told me I don’t need it.

I saw my friends and family catch Covid-19 and many compared it to a cold and breezed through it. A few got very sick and likened it to the flu but no-one I know that had caught it, were admitted to hospital and I never heard of anyone personally to die of it. Still I was more worried about getting a relatively new vaccine over catching a virus that has a 98% survival rate so I held off.

Low and behold, we come to find out that the initial promises of these very vaccines with 90-100% effectiveness upon launching have dwindled down to hardly any protection at all. Pfizer’s own CEO stated this on Twitter and advised everyone to get boosted as soon as possible to continue to be protected. I was happy I didn’t line up for a vaccine at the beginning of the rollout after seeing all these missteps by government and big pharma. Right before Christmas 2021, there was roughly 9,000 Covid-19 patients in Ontario hospitals and 7,400 of them were fully vaccinated! I knew I made the right choice and was sure that the mandates would end and we could get on with our lives and learn to live with Covid-19.

Government mandates set in

Effective on September 22, 2021 a province wide vaccine passport program took effect under the government of Ontario. I couldn’t take my children out to a restaurant, I couldn’t take them to a movie theatre and we couldn’t hop on an airplane which I would have done in the previous year and a half but the government advised us not too. It was tough considering all the lockdowns we had already gone through not to mention many shifts from in-person to online school which impacted everyone’s mental health. Now we couldn’t partake in any indoor activities until the pandemic numbers flattened.

With 88% of the Canadian population fully vaccinated at that point, I didn’t understand the need for this new radical mandate but was willing to sacrifice a few months of being excluded from society for better times ahead. The vax passport mandate was scheduled to end in January 2022 but it was extended indefinitely with a stronger barcode scanning system implemented instead of the original paper printed copies that were easily forged.

The government wasn’t messing around. They wanted to ensure the unvaccinated were excluded from society and that they felt the sting of their ‘morally wrong’ choice not to get vaccinated. I felt it. My kids felt it. With no end in sight and my workplace ever so patient with my vaccine hesitancy, I just couldn’t hold off any longer. I had to make a choice to get vaccinated or potentially lose my job and then what? Not be able to provide for my children as a single parent? I reluctantly made the choice to keep my job and just get vaccinated -a choice I deem incredibly unfair but one I had to finally face. On further thought, it wasn’t a choice at all but a backed into a corner type of entrapment. I will go so far to call it coercion, in fact.

My inoculation experience

Regardless, I got it. I requested the Pfizer vaccine. If there’s one I was comfortable with, it was Pfizer since this brand seemed to have less instances of blood clots or heart inflammation. It was February 1, 2022 when I walked into my appointment. On the eve of the New Moon. I was nervous, I sat in the chair anxious beyond words. The pharmacist spoke to an 11 year old who was scheduling his second dose with his dad. If he can do it with a smile, so can I.

I closed my eyes but felt her energy coming closer with the needle in her hand and I backed away and let out a scream. Seriously, I screamed in fear and then felt silly so I laughed nervously. She told me to stay still and relax. I took a deep breath and an instant later, she said “all done”. I didn’t feel a thing. For a moment, I thought I lucked out and got one of those anti-vaxx nurses who shoot the dose into the garbage next to you. A few hours later my arm started hurting. Damn it, she got me!

The after effects of Covid-19 vaccine dose #1

I was pleasantly surprised with the lack of worrisome side effects that never happened. I chalk this up to getting my mind right ahead of time. A week before my first dose vaccine appointment, my mindset was “I’m never getting it and I have a hundred reasons not too”. When I made peace with getting the Covid-19 vaccine since I had no other choice, I looked to the bright side.

I spoke to my dad, he had no symptoms from his first, second or third (cringe) booster shot. I spoke to my cousin who was also coerced into taking the jab to save her job but she also had no side effects from dose one or two. I can report a sore arm for a few days after my shot. I have also experienced lightheadedness over the last two weeks but other than these mild symptoms, I’m fine.

I had so much to gain from getting it. I was saying yes to keeping my income. I was saying yes to being included in society again. I was saying yes to have the ability to travel freely. I made the choice I had to make to provide for my children at the end of the day but If the mandates were not in place, I never would have made the same choice. Getting my first dose, is a bittersweet victory because my eldest child is 13 years old. I have no plans on getting her inoculated so visiting restaurants and going to see a movie at the theatre are not options for her. If she wasn’t so tall, she could pass for an 11 year old. Sigh.

The future is looking bright again

Yesterday, on February 14th, Premier Doug Ford announced that vaccine passport mandates in Ontario will be lifted effective on March 1st! This is incredible news and the best Valentines Day surprise I could ask for! Mask mandates will remain in place but I don’t mind, heck, I’ll wear a face shield if that means I can take my kids to the trampoline park again! I give thanks to Dr. K. Moore and Doug Ford but most importantly to the Trucker Freedom Convoy who played a huge part in shifting our government’s stance on harmful mandates like lockdowns and vaccine passports. Of which, only contribute to isolation, segregation and poor mental health in our communities. No one should be coerced into taking the injection under the threat of job loss or fully participating in society. Seeing steps being taken to finally get back to normal is music to my ears. Here’s to getting our livelihoods back!

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Black Coffee with Sugar Cubes

Black Coffee is the Key to Sustainable Weight Loss

Food, Health

I recently made a very simple yet intriguing discovery about my underestimated sugar intake -a discovery that needs to be shared with the masses! If you have a few pounds to lose, I highly recommend you keep reading for two very impactful switches to your daily routine that will work wonders in maintaining a heathy body weight. My discovery happened about a month ago. I began a commitment to workout regularly in addition to my already established routine of getting a fair amount of fruits and veggies (love my salads) and drinking plenty of water throughout the day.

After adding four 40 minute strength and HIIT workouts, you’d think I’d start moving the digits down on my scale. But my scale didn’t budge. My weight stayed the same. I spoke to my doctor; is it my thyroid? Is it stress related cortisol holding my fat cells hostage? Seriously doc, what gives? He said its simply a matter of calories in and calories out and most importantly, cut down on sugary foods and junk foods. I don’t eat sugar aside from my coffee -not enough to cause concern nor do I eat junk food, I scratched my head.

Keep a food diary and measure every spoonful

I decided to keep a digital food journal through the MyFitnessPal app to track all my calorie intakes in case there was something I had missed -I even kept an eye on my macros with this nifty app. I started drinking more coffees than usual to support my workout sessions since black coffee aids in stamina and weight loss. But I can’t do black coffee. I drink a regular; one itty bitty cream and one spoonful of sugar -barely enough calories to interrupt my intermittent fast or disrupt my weight loss plans.

My morning routine consists of making two to three Keurig coffees and nothing else until 2:00pm when I break my fast. Aside from water, coffee is my go-to drink. When I started logging my coffee with the cream and sugar, I had a ah-ha moment when I went a step further and actually measured out the sugar and cream I was adding to my cup. Turns out my single teaspoons are more like two and my single cream was triple what I should have been logging.

Let’s do the math on these hidden calories

Let’s calculate the real nutritional values in my 3 cups of joe with two teaspoons of white granulated sugar per cup and three tablespoons of coffee cream.

2 teaspoons of sugar = 32 calories per cup plus 10 grams of carbs
3 tablespoon of 10% coffee cream = 45 calories per cup

That’s 96 calories and 30 grams of carbohydrates from the sugar and a whopping 135 calories from the creamer I was incorrectly measuring as only one tablespoon!

For perspective; you might as well have a McDonald’s cheeseburger to start your morning with 300 calories and 32 grams of carbs, it’s a mere 70 calories difference but at least the burger has 15 grams of protein!

Sugar & cream in your tea or coffee will cancel out your intermittent fast

Logging and measuring food portions are vital to any weight loss plan because its quite common and easy to miscalculate how much when you’re eye balling portion sizes and not using a proper measuring tool. Cutting out sugar is paramount to sustainable weight management. You cannot out-run a bad diet. Added sugar will sabotage any weight loss plans you have going for you. And interrupt a fasted state.

My intermittent fasting consists of a 19 hour fast and a 6 hour eating window or 19:6. Technically, you can have 50 calories to keep your body in a fasted state -that’s a splash of coffee cream or a teaspoon of milk in two cups of coffee. So I really wasn’t fasting at all, I was feeding my body with 230 empty calories and 30 grams of carbs every morning. Not good.

Rethink what you’re adding to your black coffee

I decided I had to make the switch to black coffee for my health. It was a matter of changing my palette over a couple weeks of time. I call myself a coffee lover but was I? No, I was a sugar addict. It took a week to adjust (wean) myself off the 25 grams of sugar I was accustomed to every morning. I got headaches, my stomach grumbled. I didn’t like the black coffee taste. I had to pivot. I started adding Stevia on day 3 of my black coffee trial run. Stevia is a sugar substitute made from the leaves of the stevia plant. It’s about 100 to 300 times sweeter than table sugar, but it has no calories and no carbohydrates. I also ditched the cream and opted for 2% milk instead – careful to measure it with an actual tablespoon measure. On day seven, I was down 3 pounds!

I was down another 3 pounds by day 14. I didn’t even workout in these two weeks nor did I change any other aspects of my diet. I wanted to single handedly assess the effect that my sugar addiction and coffee creamer had on my weight loss goals.

A 6 pound weight loss over two weeks was enough to wake me up and out of my sugar addiction. I am still using Stevia and a splash of milk -black coffee is the best way to go and its so simple to just brew and go -no measure spoons needed. But at this point, I’m much happier and healthier with my new morning java routine and don’t expect to lose much more weight from this simple diet change but it will definitely set me up in the long run against developing a range of sugar related health issues including type 2 diabetes, accelerated skin aging, cancer and more.

Plus, I feel better knowing I can have occasional sweets such as cake and desserts guilt free on birthdays and special occasions. It’s all about balance. I invite you to skip the sugar and creamer in your coffee (or tea) for a week or two while intermittent fasting and see the results for yourself. Comment below any experiences you’ve had cutting out sugar from your diet.

Much Love,

Holly May.

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Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band's Roll me away final tour

Music Monday: Old Time Rock and Roll, Bob Seger & The Silver Bullet Band

Music City, Music Monday, Seventies

In honor of World Music Day, I’m posting my all time favorite song: Old Time Rock and Roll. Originally released in 1978, the song was featured in the 1983 movie Risky Business starring Tom Cruise who gave an iconic coffee table dance clad in a white dress shirt.

Vivid memories are rolling in of my joker sister Suzy busting out a broom stick as her dance partner when this song started playing on the radio. What can I say, its our goofy sister song. Four decades after it’s release with no signs that I’ll EVER get sick of hearing it.


Just take those old records off the shelf
I’ll sit and listen to ’em by myself
Today’s music ain’t got the same soul
I like that old time rock and roll

Don’t try to take me to a disco
You’ll never even get me out on the floor
In ten minutes I’ll be late for the door
I like that old time rock and roll
EverybodyOld time rock and roll
That kinda music just soothes the soul
I reminisce about the days of old
With that old time rock and roll, Drew Abbott!

Won’t go to hear ’em play a tango
I’d rather hear some blues or funky old soul
There’s only one sure way to get me to go
Start playin’ old time rock and rollCall me a relic, call me what you will
Say I’m old fashioned, say I’m over the hill
Today’s music ain’t got the same soul
I like that old time rock and roll

Still like that old time rock and roll
That kinda music just soothes the soul
I reminisce about the days of old
With that old time rock and roll

Old time rock and roll
Baby, just soothes the soul
I reminisce about the days of old
With that old time rock and rollEverybody come on
Old time rock and roll
Baby, just soothes the soul
I reminisce about the days of old
With that old time rock and roll

Old time rock and roll
It just soothes the soul
I reminisce about the days of old
With that old time rock and roll
It’s not like the old time rock and roll

Alright Alright Alright, just one more

Source: Musixmatch

Narcissistic abuse warning that reads "Love shouldn't hurt"

3 Early Warning Signs of a Narcissistic Lover

Memphis Novel, NPD, Relationships
Narcissistic Abuse skull

The early days of a new relationship is usually filled with joy, butterflies and adventures. With all that fun, it’s easy to get carried away with someone who makes you the center of their world quickly. Let’s not throw all caution out the window though -the first date or two is the best time to lay out boundaries with your potential future significant other. You are in charge of your happiness and sanity after-all.

Narcissistic personality disorder involves a pattern of self-centered, arrogant thinking and behavior, a lack of empathy and consideration for other people, and an excessive need for admiration. Others often describe people with NPD as cocky, manipulative, selfish, patronizing, and demanding.

According to phychcentral.com, Narcissistic Personality Disorder effects nearly 6% of the population and narcissist abuse effects over 158 Million Americans annually. Don’t let yourself be a statistic! Know the signs and educate yourself with the three early warning signs of narcissistic abuse below.

1. Love Bombing

Love bombing is the practice of showering a person with excessive affection and attention in order to gain control or significantly influence their behavior. The love bomber’s attention might feel good, but the motive is all about manipulation.

Multiple texts or calls throughout the day and early proclamations of love are warning signs that you’re being love bombed -possibly by a person with NPD. Affection, flattery, gifts and praise in generous amounts that scream to good to be true is a sure sign that you might dealing with a narcissist.

2. Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a means to manipulate someone by psychological means into questioning their own sanity via their memory, judgement or perceptions. Gaslighting is used by narcissists to sow seeds of doubt in their victims so they question their reality. The results can be catastrophic to a person’s self esteem and confidence leading to second guessing yourself, apologizing often and an overall feeling that everything you do is wrong.

If you find your date tells you that you remembered something wrong more than once or repeatedly disagrees with your opinions, that’s not normal behavior; its a sign a narcissistic abuse. Cut ties now.

3. Triangulation

Triangulation is “a psychological threesome that you didn’t consent to..” according to medium.com. Triangulation is when a toxic or manipulative person, often a person with strong narcissistic traits, brings a third person into their relationship in order to remain in control. There will be limited or no communication between the two triangulated individuals except through the manipulator. It may appear in different forms, but all are about divide and conquer, or playing people against each other.

For example say, things have going well in your new relationship and you are invited to meet his friends or family. You make introductions but something is off. Your gut is telling you that maybe you’re not welcome or the friends or family members aren’t as warm as you’d hoped for. Trust your gut! If any of his friends or family members give you sneers or frowns upon first meeting -he’s already started his smear campaign against you!

Fold and move on, before you get in too deep.

Trust me.

Much love,

Holly May.

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Tammy Wynette's photo on the Womenhood album cover

Music Monday: Stand by Your Man, Tammy Wynette

Music Monday

It’s been a while since I’ve posted a song for Music Monday – I’ve decided to only post these on the last Monday of the month going forward. Life gets busy and I’m also curating content on topics of importance to readers of Memphis; music, domestic violence and alcoholism, among others. The songs posted previously are ones mentioned in my novel and so is this one.

This is the track that Memphis reluctantly sings to her husband Johnny during a singing competition at the beginning of the novel. It seems like a love song -a tune of unwavering devotion. But I’ve always found it to be a sad song advising to consider that “..he’s just a man” and to “forgive him” because he’s “..doing things that you don’t understand.” A ballad for married woman to stand by your man even if he cheats because he’s just a man and well, he just can’t help himself. My thoughts on this song really drove the creation of the singing competition scene.

Tammy Wynette was the original co-writer of this classic tune. My grandmother played this when I was a kid and it stuck with me for years somehow bringing out Deja Vu years later when I heard it on the radio and Shazam-ed it. Then and there it became apart of my novel -before I even began the first draft. “Stand by Your Man” has been redone by the band formerly known as “The Dixie Chicks”, now simply known as “The Chicks”. The Chicks remake is a contrasting upbeat version of the original and I highly recommend you listen to it.


Sometimes it’s hard to be a woman
Giving all your love to just one man.
You’ll have bad times
And he’ll have good times,
Doin’ things that you don’t understand
But if you love him you’ll forgive him,
Even though he’s hard to understand
And if you love him oh be proud of him,
‘Cause after all he’s just a man
Stand by your man,
Give him two arms to cling to,
And something warm to come to
When nights are cold and lonely
Stand by your man,
And show the world you love him
Keep giving all the love you can
Stand by your man
Stand by your man,
And show the world you love him
Keep giving all the love you can
Stand by your man

Source: LyricFind
Released: 1969
Genre: Country

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Five nearly shirtless members of the Eagles band in the early 1980's

Music Monday: One of the Nights, The Eagles

Music Monday, Seventies

This is another song featured within my novel Memphis. No spoilers here -I’ll just say it’s in the book and leave it at that. This came out in 1977 the year my novel takes place in and years before my birth. My father is a guitarist so my childhood home always had classic rock roaring through the house. Enjoy.


One of these nights, one of these crazy old nights
We’re gonna find out, pretty mama, what turns on your lights
The full moon is calling, the fever is high
And the wicked wind whispers and moans
You got your demons, you got your desires
Well, I got a few of my own Oh, someone to be kind to in between the dark and the light
Oh, coming right behind you, swear I’m gonna find you, one of these nights

One of these dreams, one of these lost and lonely dreams, now
We’re gonna find one, mm, one that really screams
I’ve been searching for the daughter of the devil himself
I’ve been searching for an angel in white
I’ve been waiting for a woman who’s a little of both
And I can feel her but she’s nowhere in sight

Oh, loneliness will blind you in between the wrong…

Source: LyricFind

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