Am I the only one who was looking for love but ended up a shell of my old self armed with a masters degree in narcissistic personality disorders? Whether you’re currently deep in a trauma bond with your narcissist or have recently found the courage to leave them and are in the healing stages (c-PTSD anyone?) you will relate to these bizarre things a narcissistic lover will do to you during your relationship with them.
The cruel ways of a narcissist come on only after the love bombing stage has worn off. They start letting their mask slip only when they know you’ve fallen deeply in love with them. It might take three months. It might take a year (in my case).
Narcissists are strategic two-faced snakes who will stop at nothing to hurt you to feel powerful -as if this is the only way to add some sort of meaning to their pathetic lives. Once I began noticing these odd habits of my nex lover, I took to Google and came across narcissistic personality disorder. He fit every box under the Covert Narcissist spectrum.
I was astonished that this was a real thing. Narcissists are snobby know-it-all’s who love staring at their own reflection but they are still people with a heart and conscious. After a five year relationship with one, I now wonder if these people even have a soul.
1. They cause chaos before important events & holidays
Special occasions are sure to be ruined by the narcissist in your life. They hate to see you happy and can’t wait to sabotage special occasions such as holidays, birthdays and anniversaries. Forget gift giving. They will either not get you a gift at all or get you something you didn’t ask for and throw a fit when you express your dissatisfaction. A perfect example; I wanted a simple gift for Christmas one year from my narc boyfriend. It was a bottle of Poison Girl perfume. That’s the only thing I asked for.
I even gave him tips and hints on where to get it at a reduced price. On Christmas morning, he proudly gave me an unwrapped box of five assorted knockoff perfumes. He actually smirked at my confused look upon seeing the no name bottles of perfume after numerous discussions of Poison Girl perfume.
He then opened one of his gifts; an Amazon gift card, and subtly complained that he wanted a Wish gift card. He specifically asked for an Amazon gift card! This behavior was never ending no matter how clear I made my expectations or how clear he made his. Gaslight much?
2. They smear your reputation
They smear your reputation every chance they get. The smear campaign is one of many abuse tactics all varieties of narcissists use on their supplies. Triangulation at its finest. They set you up from the beginning to paint themselves as the victim and you: the perpetrator.
They know the end game of your relationship together. They expect you to eventually call them out for the lying, the cheating, and the physical & emotional abuse when you just can’t take it anymore. They’ve been through the cycles many times before already.
So, like a game of chess, they will be ready to defend themselves when the time comes that you’ve had enough. When you start coming clean about how horrible they treat you behind closed doors, you’re gonna find out that many people will be shaking their heads in astonishment because the very claims you put on them are claims already circulating about you! Yup, all along they’ve been telling people stories of how much you cheat and mistreat them -all the things they’ve actually done to you! The nerve of these people!
3. They answer questions with a question
This frustrating tactic is used to deflect their transgressions and further confuse their victims. Seriously, there really is no straight answers from them. Since breaking it off with mine and noticing the other narc’s in my life, I am stunned to see they all do this at one point or another. This is called deflecting.
Deflecting is a painfully common tactic used by narcissists is divert and attack. Here, the goal is to shift attention away from what the narcissist is saying and doing to what you are saying and doing, where they never have to take responsibility for their toxic behavior or address anything you’re saying! Before you know it, you will be on the defensive and the one apologizing if you’re not careful.
4. They cheat with their exes and groom new supplies
The most obvious trait of a narc lover is their inability to remain faithful. They can’t turn down attention -its what they crave more than anything. The reason behind their infidelity varies by type. For a malignant narcissist; it’s to stroke their ego and the sheer enjoyment of being so cleverly deceptive. For the covert type; its to play the victim and garner sympathy for themselves; their only cheating because their partner treats them so poorly after all.
The end goal is always the same; an extreme need for attention or narcissistic supply. Whether positive or negative, attention is their main goal when sleeping around. Triangulation is another. They always have someone on the back burner lined up for your discard if you dare call them out for their questionable behavior.
Say no more and discard them first
Empathic people naturally draw narcissists to them. Your kind heart, and intuitive nature make you prime targets for them. I am lucky. I escaped. Once you leave one, they will stalk you, they will plead with you to take them back. They will threaten suicide. Anything is on the table if they can get their supply back and abuse you to their own enjoyment.
Work on yourself. Build your self esteem back up. Focus on your kids. Go no contact and take out a restraining order or peace bond if necessary – just do not let these energy vampires back into your heart or head space again!
Have you experienced these classic abuse tactics by a narc lover or family member? Did I miss anything? Comment below your experience or feedback.
Much love,
Holly May.
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Holly May Cormier 